January 1st. The day of new beginnings. The day of resolutions.
What if you’re stepping into your beginning with regret, doubt, and disappointment with how you left off your year?
I didn’t tell many, but I had been accepted into a Masters Program of Counselling Psychology. I was going to achieve a dream. I was going to be a professional with a measure of achievement framed on my wall to prove that I’d done something worthy with my life.
But as the start date approached, I felt the worst panic and anxiety that I can ever remember. Those are feelings that I’m familiar with when change comes in my life. But this was the insomnia-inducing, sweating, immobilizing kind. And I didn’t see it coming.
So, one day before my birthday, facing my dream and feeling only dread, I chose to give myself a gift…
I gave myself permission.
Permission to feel the fear and listen instead of judge.
Permission to admit I wasn’t ready.
Permission to change my mind.
After everything I have invested into applying to the program, am I disappointed? Absolutely.
But as with all gifts, it must be freely given. So I gave myself permission without expecting any apologies.
And as with all gifts, it must be accepted gracefully. So I accepted the permission without apologies.
Permitting oneself to say “I can’t” is a slippery slope. Will it lead to a life not lived, a life of regrets? Are we creating a culture of excuses for our children so that they will be ill prepared for a life of independence?
Maybe.
But it’s not always a question of ‘can I’. Even if you can, it may be a question of ‘should I’, especially when your emotional wellness is at stake. Perhaps when your health and the values you hold dear are in jeopardy, it is time to give yourself permission.
When you do, remember…
- That it’s a blessing to know oneself. That’s half the battle in finding your path. And knowing what you don’t want often precedes knowing what you do want.
- To listen. Don’t just listen for what you want to hear: anything that affirms your disappointment, anything that reinforces the event as a mistake, anything that creates a negative self image. Listen instead for a reason that you’d never conceived of for why this could be happening.
- That right timing is as important as right path. The solution just may be that you need more time.
- To step forward. This moment may not be the regression you think it is. It just may be a new direction. The best way to honour yourself is to follow it.
So in 2017 I vow to give myself over to the present. To forgive. To listen. To look forward.
And, of course, to share.
Thank you for being with me on my one year anniversary of AOS.
And a special thank you to my friends and family who listened and shared, helping me at this time.
Their words have shaped this post.